


The man who laughs

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Blood, Character Death, Depression, Insecurity, Kim Junmyeon | Suho-centric, Psuedobalbar affect, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22690342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Junmyeon's emotions always died inside of him until they took rebirth and burst out in the ugliest ways possible.Psuedobalbar affect is a VERY serious issue and can NOT be used in ANY type of innaproptiate way.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	The man who laughs

**Author's Note:**

> TW: 
> 
> -blood  
> -suicidal thoughts  
> -self harm  
> -depression
> 
> !! THIS IS NOT TO ROMANTICIZE/SEXUALIZE THIS DISORDER. IT'S ONLY TO CREATE AWARENESS!!
> 
> I'm sorry I just did a word vomit of what I was feeling

Inappropriate involuntary laughing and crying due to a nervous system disorder.  
This condition is characterised by an involuntary and uncontrollable reaction of laughter or crying that's disproportionate to an event.  
-Psuedobalbar affect

He grips hard on the sink

It's okay. It's okay... It's okay.. It's okay

It will be okay. 

He tells himself repeatedly in his mind and something inside him bubbles up. Something inside him wants to jump out and he feels like throwing up. He opens his mouth and nothing but a choked sob comes out. He tells himself to not cry. Please don't cry... It's okay.. 

So he smiles. He smiles and laughs. Laughs loudly as he looks at himself and then tears start running down his face. He cries. No matter how much he tries to stop himself, those tears and broken noises always seem to find his eyes and throat as they burst out violently. His emotions start pouring out through his tears and he can just stand and watch as his body looses the pain through the water flowing. He can count every tear and a story behind it. He's weak. 

Exo's leader is weak. Pathetic. He can't even do something as simple as that. He can't do anything. Not one thing right. He's always been like this. Useless. A voice in the back of his head tells him to snatch that razor shining and slide it over his wrist. Wants to see the red ropes leave his vessel and set him free. But he doesn't. He picks up the blade and slides it near his shoulder. 

One for being a pathetic leader, if he can still call himself one. 

Two for never doing anything right no matter where he goes. 

Three for always causing trouble and pain to others. 

Four for always being the disappointment his parents used to say he was. 

Five for being too selfish and always thinking about himself. 

Six for still wanting to live. Being too coward to stop his brushes

Seven for being a waste of space and investment. 

And the counting went on, until his skin was flushing red blood dripping down from 12 bright deep marks. He smiled. This is what he should get. This is what he deserves. Another wave of emotion hits him and he's laughing by his mouth but his eyes squint, not in happiness, but in disappointment and sadness. There's more tears dripping down his face. 

It's okay. It's going to be okay... Isn't it? 

It will be okay.

That's what he told himself every night and this wasn't any different. He watched as the members laughed about something and chanyeol violently started waving his hands like he always does, baekhyun his poor victim this time. They all looked beautiful. Like idols should be. Talented. Good looking. Someone fans could look up to. He was none of those things. He silently walked towards the kitchen and took out the pizza he had brought on his way home. Jongdae and sehun had been craving for it. He decided to heat it. 

"Yah our leader is the best!" Baekhyun said with his eyes turning into small crescents as he looked at pizza. Chanyeol jumped up and down on the sofa with his big eyes widened even more as he clapped happily. Jongdae came screaming at them that he was the one who wanted the pizza and sehun was just sitting quietly smiling as he waited patiently for the hyungs to open the pizza box. Jongin smiled brightly as he moved his hands forward and backwards in excitement. They were really a bunch of kids. 

Just when it opened all of them stopped. It was a pineapple pizza. None of them liked pineapple pizza. "Hyuuuung. Why would you bring this trash..?" Jongdae said whining while chanyeol pouted and jongin and baekhyun started sulking on the couch. "But- oh.." It was not his members who liked pineapple pizza. It was Tao. That boy liked the weirdest things.

"Ah really. I take my words back our leader is useless." Baekhyun said in a playful tone. But it didn't feel playful. It went straight into Junmyeon's heart like a knife. His eyes started filling with tears just then jongin got up and back hugged him. "It's okay hyung! At least you bought us pizza. We can still eat it. The other one is not pineapple.! We should learn from hyung to buy each other treats." He said showing his set of teeth. "Then why don't you ever buy me anything!" Chanyeol immediately responded. "... Because I'm your dongsaeng. Aish hyung you're so stupid." He said smirking and grabbed a slice running as chanyeol ran after him. 

He still felt warm from Jongin's hug, but did he deserve to feel it? Did he? No. 

He went to his room telling he was too tired and already ate something. The members didn't give it much thought and just nodded in respond. No good night wishes. No nothing. Not like they treated each other. Because Junmyeon was not like them. He was so so behind them. He was probably placed in the group out of pity, or worse maybe his parents spent some money to make him finally debut so that his miserable life could have some success. Of course. That made sense. He didn't deserve the leader post. Someone like Minseok or Kyungsoo would have been enough. More than enough. So much better. 

He looked at himself as he showered. He didn't have any fat now. His previous skinny physique was a little bulky now. He spent hours in gym everyday for that. But his face ruined it all. He was not good looking at all. His smile was annoying to see and he looked ugly when he cried. No matter how much his members sugar coated it. 

Heading to bed he read comments about him. 

'Suho oppa smiles weirdly~ what a weird leader we have. Please don't laugh like this oppa! It's embarrassing'  
130345 likes. 45 comments

'Oppa looks hot in new concept. But his body is the only part I can see. ^°^'  
1233338893 likes. 138 comments 

'I don't like suho oppa. Other members fit so well in the concept!'  
59339294 likes. 23 comments

'Suho oppa looks like a commoner ㅋㅋ I don't know why he chose to become an idol.'  
2928381838 likes. 112 comments

'Oppa looks ugly when he smiles like that! Oppa please press ur lips together.'  
483838 likes. 4 comments

'Baekhyun oppa is such a good leader! Better than EXO leader ㅋㅋ '  
2938489940 likes. 455 comments

'Suho is too overrated. His voice sucks. Why did he get selected again? '  
12294557 likes. 88 comments

'I think suho is just there because of his money. I bet his members don't like him too.'  
78904 likes. 45 comments

'I don't like the way suho speaks. Isn't he too selfish and arrogant?!'  
5833884283 likes. 330 comments

He shut his phone to feel better. but it didn't. It hurt. It hurt so much to read all that. He knew they hated him. It wasn't the first time getting to know people hate him. Then why did it feel so bad? Shouldn't he get used to it by now! Why is he so damn weak?! 

Why was he so cowardly. He didn't want to be anymore. 

Getting up he went to the top floor and then took the stairs to terrace. This is where he last had a talk with Jong Hyun. His lifeless eyes stared at him. 

Did Junmyeon look like him now? He laughed. He laughed loudly as a feeling bubbled inside his chest. He took steps forward towards the edge. He had never been anyone. Junmyeon was no one. Hidden under the shadow of suho, someone better than him. Junmyeon was useless. Junmyeon's end was here. 

He closed his eyes and let his body fall back. 

"Reports have gathered around the SM entertainment building! There's too much crowd here but we'll show you a clear scene!" The female generalist said in the camera as it sent live images. Pushing people here and there she managed to get in the front where men in black suits were standing and telling everyone to step back. A body was lying on the ground. "I don't know if viewers can see it clearly but that is EXO's leader Kim Junmyeon. We haven't received any news as to how the idol was found here covered in blood but it's said that it's a suicide- what! Why are you not letting us record!" She screamed at the bodyguards who were pushing the people away to clear the area as ambulance could be seen coming. Soon all of EXO came out witch shocked faces. "EXO HAVE ARRIVED!" "SIR PLEASE TELL US WHAT HAPPENED! " "SIR HOW DO YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW?" "PLEASE TELL YOUR FANS WHAT YOU'RE FEELING!" Everyone shouted screaming. Chanyeol stepped forward with heavy steps. Baekhyun tried to walk as his body started shivering. Jongin immediately fell to his knees and Jongdae held him and Sehun stood numb. Xiumin and DO came running. Kyungsoo was crying heavily, face red and Minseok too had tears all over his face. Kyungsoo went to baekhyun and chanyeol who were the closest to suho's lifeless body and Minseok hugged Sehun tight letting the maknae hold onto him. They looked broken. Of course they were. 

Missing a part of yourself hurts. It create a void. 

We are one..? Are we..? 

Next day newspapers had a news all over the front in bold letters. 

"EXO leader commits suicide. Members are still in the hospital. SM entertainment hasn't answered any questions." 

Rest in Peace Kim Junmyeon. 

'Oh no suho oppa π•π why would you do something like that! Oppa please come back!!'  
29329489248928 likes. 122335 comments

'Nooo suho was my favorite leader!!! We didn't deserve someone like him TT'  
9928382939 likes. 2234 comments

'Oppa NOO! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US! SUHO OPPA YOU CAN'T LEAVE LIKE THIS!'  
4838592949348 likes. 2938284 comments

'Suho TT Suho tell me it's fake. Tell me you're alive out there.'  
1938294 likes. 444 comments

**Author's Note:**

> Depression is a mental health condition where patient has uneasy sad thoughts without some appropriate reasons. They feel unwilling to work or just loose interest in most activities. 
> 
> Please recognise people with such problems before it's too late for them! 
> 
> https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/signs-and-symptoms&ved=2ahUKEwj9xbml883nAhWa93MBHUerBC8QFjABegQIBxAB&usg=AOvVaw3FDs3AlINgF0xtGjPjsyJO
> 
> https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-symptoms-and-warning-signs.htm&ved=2ahUKEwj9xbml883nAhWa93MBHUerBC8QFjACegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw3YK7Q0YwWG9kJVpCeKHp3A
> 
> I'm leaving some links where you can find out ways to help people around you.
> 
> Please do NOT take depression lightly. If you yourself are suffering with such a time, reach out to someone close to you. If you don't feel like someone is close enough or you don't feel comfortable enough with them, please contact me! I'm more than happy to help you. Write it in a diary or notes or anything but DON'T bottle up your feelings. 
> 
> Please take care of yourself and people around you!
> 
> If you find yourself relating to Junmyeon in this story and think you might be suffering with Psuedobulbar affect, please take a test. There are plenty available online and any medical Center will help you diagnose it too. 
> 
> Please never, I repeat never, hide your mental health issues. They only tend to worsen.


End file.
